Sunday, 8 February 2015

'F' is for...

Mum:    I'm on The Facebook page

Me:       Right, so on there, what can you see?

Mum:   Well, that's the problem - there's a middle bit and I can't see anything

Me:      What do you mean a middle bit? A big column down the middle?

Mum:   No, just a white bit - a box in the middle:  'no results'.

Me:      Somewhere on there there is a cross or a Cancel.

Mum:   Yes.

Me:      You can tap it with your finger.
            Tap it.

Mum:  Nothing.  It's just all white.

Me:     Can you see blue behind the white?

Mum:   Yes.

Me:       Tap it.

Mum:    Nothing.

Me:       You're sure you're on Facebook?  Can you see an 'F' up in the corner somewhere?

Mum:   No.

Me:      Well, you're not on Facebook then

Mum:   I am!  Oh, I see the 'F'. There's an 'F'!

Me:      You should be able to tap the 'F'...tap it.

Mum:   Nothing.

Me:       I don't understand.

Mum:    .....What's the 'F'?


Friday, 6 February 2015


[Text Message]

Me:       Did you get my email yet? x

Mum:    No  x

Me:       Did you look?

Mum:    I tried   xx
Me:       Don't you just click on the envelope icon or something?   :)

Mum:    Maybe...              No  x

Me:       I'll send it again

Mum:    How long will it take?

Thursday, 5 February 2015


Mum:   You use BBC iPlayer, don't you?

Me:      Yep

Mum:   What do you think of it?

Me:      Well, it's good....what do you mean?

Mum:   I mean, What does it have on there?

Me:      BBC stuff - everything on the BBC

Mum:   Everything on the BBC?

Me:       Yes.

Mum:    What else?

Me:       No, nothing else.  It's the BBC iPlayer.  So they play everything BBC.

Mum:    What does the 'i' stand for, then?

Saved by the Defamation

Mum:    You used to love Saved by the Bell, didn't you?

Me:       Yeh.

Mum:   That guy with the mop of curly hair...

Me:      Screech

Mum:   Didn't he get accused for drugs or something else bad?

Me:      Maybe

Mum:   He must have done.  They all do.

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

I've used The Google.

Me:       How're you getting on with the internet?

Mum:   Well...

Me:      Yeh...?

Mum:   I'm having trouble getting it up

Me:       Getting what up?

Mum:    The Email

Me:       Don't you just click the little icon on your iPad?

Mum:    Bob showed me how. But then I came away and I forgot.

Me:       Right.

Mum:    So I went to Val. And she showed me a different way and that confused me

Me:       Right.  So what else have you done with it?

Mum:    I've used The Google. I Googled!

Me:       That's great!  What did you Google?

Mum:    I found the place we're going on holiday.

Me:       That's great!   What else have you done?

Mum:    I Twitted!

Tuesday, 12 August 2014


Mother:  Oh, wasn't that sad about Robin Williams?

Me:         Yep.  I really love him.

Mother:  I know.  At first I thought it was...

Me:         RobbIE..?

Mother:  No, I thought it was know...with the lovely...wotsits

Me:        The who with the what?

Mother:  You know - that chap...with the lovely eyes.

Me:         Who?

Mother:  You know - the one we used to swoon over, the one we always said would end up killing

Me:         WHO?

Mother:   Oh! You know, that good-looking one from...

Me:          The one from Take That?

Mother:    That's him!

Me:           Yes!  RobbIE Williams!  That's who I meant the first time.

Mother:     Sorry, I always get him confused with Robin Williams. The comedian.

Me:   ....

Mother:    Oh. That's who we're talking about.

Sunday, 10 August 2014

It's nice.

Mother:  I'm just in Palmers, having a nice coffee.

Me:  Oh lovely.

Mother:  Yes, sometimes we go to that other cafe - you know, down one of the Rows...

Me:  I think so, yep.

Mother:  But it's not so....well the ambiance isn't quite as...

Me:  ......

Mother:  Oh, what's the word?.....Nice.  It's not as nice.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Liitle Bluey

Mother:  Well you know she was so old, poor old thing

Me:        She failed the MOT?

Mother:   I'll say - it would have cost at least a thousand or more.

Me:         Ah.

Mother:    So anyway, funny little John at the car place - you know John?

Me:         No.

Mother:   Him with the lisp?

Me:         No.

Mother:  Well, anyway, John at the car place he takes me aside you see, and he says, 'Now then Mrs Moore, this old car's being heading to the scrap heap for a long time. But there's a car just at the garage down the road  - on the forecourt - it's perfect for you'.  So off I trot, down the road and sure enough there's a little blue car there with my name on it - just the ticket.

Me:         So you bought it?

Mother:   Yep.  She arrives today.  She's a dear little thing. And a nice shade of blue. So I've called her Little Bluey.

               I did have to take Old Purple for a victory lap, though.  Do you know where I went? I took her all along the cliffs, so she could see the sea - aren't I silly...

Me:         Yes.

Mother    ...and then drove her the country way home, by the rhododendrons.

              But!  You'll never believe it! She's not headed to the scrapheap - she's got a second life. She's going - guess where she's going for her retirement? She's going to be a stock car!

Me:        A Ford-bloody-Estate car that barely starts?!

Mother:  Yeh!  They said they love cars like her - something about 'impact ratio' - or some similar thing.

Me:       'Impact ratio'?  Sounds like she's gonna be crushed, regardless of the scrapheap.

Mother:   Well, at least she'll go out with a bang!

Monday, 30 June 2014

Get that seen to

Me:            I've not been very well, that's why I haven't phoned

Mother:     You can still phone when you're ill

Me:            Well, I've been really rough, Ma. I wasn't really up to chatting

Mother:     Oh

Me:           I've got some kind of ear infection, in both ears.

Mother:     Oh dear. Are you...

Me:            Dizzy

Mother:     And...

Me:           Feverish

Mother:     What caused that then?

Me:           I dunno - the doctor asked if I'd been swimming lately...

Mother:    Which you haven't been...

Me:          Which I haven't been...

Mother:     Well, that's not very good, is it? Other than that, how have you been?

Me:           That's kinda been my week, Mum. I've had this terrible chest pain, too. Nobody knows                         why

Mother:     Chest pain?  How do you mean?

Me:           Like my chest

Mother:    Severe?

Me:          Yes.

Mother:    You want to get that seen to.

Me:           I know that Ma, I have. That's what I said - that I've been to the doctors - they don't know                    what to make of it

Mother:     Well, they should. You want to get that seen to, again, by somebody else.

Me:            I'm gonna go, I don't feel well and this conversation is making my headache worse

Mother:      What headache?  You've got a headache, too?

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Boiling over

Mother:  Yes, so it all went very well. Hang on...DAVID! Your pan's boiling over!
                Oh his pan's boiling over and I'm not on the cordless.
                'DAVID!  Would you mind turning that pan down please?'

             He can't hear me, honestly that hearing aid, mind you I doubt he's got it in, you know he                      never does....'DAVID!'
             Oh I'll have to go, I can't.......'DAVIIDD!'  
             *Mumbling heard in background*
             I said, your pan's boiling over and I can't reach it, Look!'  
             *More mumbling*

             So anyway, where was I?

Me:       You were saying it all went well and you had a lovely...

Mother:  David!  Do you know, he's left that pan exactly as it was, he couldn't have heard me at all...